So, I’m kind of a fan of America’s Next Top Model. It all started last season (yes, Cycle 21). See, I listen to this podcast called My Brother My Brother and Me, and the brothers are fans. And on one episode they mention that one of the guys in the house was given a beard-weave as part of his Ty-over. I had to check it out.
And I was hooked. The whole thing is totally absurd, and there is SO. MUCH. FIGHTING. but somehow, it’s pleasant. And the opportunities and stunts and shoots they get to experience are truly interesting. Truth be told, I have really grown to love Kelly Cutrone (especially watching her drool over Nyle on this season).
ANYWAY, it was because of this love for ANTM that Hulu recommended America’s Most Smartest Model to me. Curiosity got the best of me, and one click revealed that it was only 12 episodes and hosted by Ben Stein. A quick IMDB search said it was from 2007. How did I not know about this, ALL THIS TIME.
Well, good news. I’m ready for it now. And you get to watch it with me:
[Note: The time counts down instead of up, because I’m too lazy to do the math, and -spoiler- after a while, it seemed like a countdown until I got my life back]
First commercial: Kicks off with a plus-size model. Good things are afoot.
01:04:00 Oh Ben Stein, it’s been so long since I’ve heard your humorless, monotonous voice…
01:04:41 Well, Mary Alice Stephenson’s credentials seem legit.
01:03:37 This might be harder than I thought…
01:03:06 Or this might be a parody?
01:02:53 If IMDB didn’t tell me this was from 2007, this intro would have.
01:02:03 Ben might be the “most smartest” person Mary Alice knows, but I would love to hear how they know each other.
01:01:12 That dude can’t fit his traps in his t-shirt.
01: 00:39 “When Mary Alice like told us they were going to send two of us home, I was like, OMG, already?” said a guy who didn’t seem to know that he was on a game show.
00:59:31 Ick. This guy is the worst.
00:58:47 I’m glad there’s a girl playing up her intelligence instead of her looks, at least?
00:58:34 Ok, my bad, there’s a lot of people playing up their intelligence. Way to trick me by putting the two creeps on first, TV psychology. Well done.
00:57:19 “Blonde Rachel” (yes, that’s actually what it says on the screen when she’s talking) always looks like she’s smelling something bad.
00:55:58 So far I’m rooting for a dude named Pickle.
00:55:37 Ben Stein just giggled in a way that made me throw up in my mouth a little.
00:54:05 Oh my glob, this is only the first commercial break? -toddler flail- what have I done to myself?
00:52:46 Ben’s wants to keep the girl that made him giggle. Mary Alice rolled her eyes so far into her head I think she saw her own brain.
00:52:06 Cut to the eliminated models trying to open the front door and failing. I have a feeling the editing in this is a little biased.
00:51:19 First challenge announced: Spelling Bee! Using fashion-related words, of course. Lisa thinks this is going to be a “wild ride.” Oh Lisa So sweet. So naive.
00:51:00 Score one for the girls. When the guys got upset by having a bed room populated with only men, the ladies retorted with, “If we want to sleep with you, we’ll let you know.” #micdrop
00:50:23 Oh shit, they put combination locks on the doors to the bathrooms, with clues like “The year Christopher Columbus discovered America.” Someone’s gonna shit their pants.
00:49:10 Blonde Rachel is like a MadTV character.
00:47:06 The guy I called “the worst” earlier? His name is Andre, and he’s still the worst.
00:45:48 I’ve never been so excited for a cell phone commercial.
00:44:40 It’s kind of weird that Angela just shows up next to the pool and is all like “Just wanted to check the weather. Thought after I was done working out, I’d come join you. Put on a bikini top and…” and then gets miffed when Gaston says something sexist. I AM NOT SAYING THAT SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT. What I am saying is that no one talks like that and it feels very manufactured. Like some producer was like “go out there and talk to them – I dunno, make it up!” That said, Gaston totally takes it too far. And if you have to say “I’m not being rude or anything!” then you’re probably being rude.
00:45:51 And now it’s time for the spelling bee…
00:42:37 Ben announces “Every challenge you participate in will be bifurcated and since you’re all supposedly smart, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what bifurcated means, right?” I can’t tell if his smarminess is a character or just him, but either way it’s incredibly unlikable. And for the record, I looked up bifurcated, because I wasn’t 110% sure what it meant, myself.
00:41:40 The anticipation as to which “beauty & fashion related words” they will use is killing me.
00:41:25 First word: Blue, asked of Andre, douchnozzle extraordinaire… and… he asked if it was a trick question. Because seriously, how fucking patronizing.
00:41:10 Second word: Fendi. Mandy Lynn rocks it. In the voice over, Mary Alice explains they were thrown easy pitches to build their confidence. #killmenow
00:40:54 More words: Cleavage, weightlifting, jewelry, bikini, millionaire, lipstick, deodorant, Armani, beautiful, elegant, and Chanel.
00:40:44 And now for Round 2. And they start with ‘retardant.’ Andre is one letter off (he tries retardent). Mary Alice rolls her eyes like English is his first language. I roll my eyes at Mary Alice. I take back what I said about Andre earlier – these hosts are the worst.
00:39:50 Mandy Lynn might be my fave, despite the affect she has over Ben. I want to slap him. I hate that he was allowed to behave that way on screen, and that he’s okay with it, and the network is okay with it, and I’m watching it. Remember the beginning of this show, when I had fond memories of Ben Stein? PS. Mandy Lynn can totally spell COLLAGEN, and says she knows why they gave her that word, and her lips are silicone, thank you very much.
00:39:38 Gaston is given the word NINCOMPOOP. I’m not sure what that has to do with beauty or fashion. Was this show made so that Mary Alice could haze wannabe models. Because it really feels like that…. (checks IMDB) yep, she’s a producer. Also, I accidentally spied that Bill Nye is on a future episode. Oh, Bill…
00:38:55 No surprise that the Argentinian guy couldn’t spell a word he’d literally never heard before. So far this competition has been good at weeding out the people from foreign countries. Ooof.
00:38:01 After a series of people being asked to spell words that seem to describe them in unflattering ways, Victoria is asked to spell the word emaciated. Shock hits her face, and I feel so offended for her. Then they cut to her in the “confessional” trying and failing to pronounce the word, and I realize the shock was because the word was hard, and not because it was harsh.
00:37:26 Now Erika is given the word LACROIX. Yeah, good luck. But good news! No one can spell any of the designer names!
00:35:51 Daniel spells PHOSPHORESCENCE and I AM SO PROUD! And then a lot of other words, I can’t spell.
00:34:14 And we cut to commercial. Guys I can’t do this anymore. Okay I can, but not tonight. So, join me again next week, for another installment of America’s Most Smartest Models Slowly Kill Bean. Maybe.